A rant about Twilight
by Ziggy Starburst
Summary: Oneshot. I was feeling pissed off. I filtered my anger through Twilight bashing. This is the final result. Rated K plus for some bad language. Warning: MAJOR Twilight bashing. This story is staying online because someone added to a really good community and I like to think I contributed in some way.


**Why Harry Potter Beats Twilight.**

A/N feeling very angry and needed to rant about _SOMETHING _the best target at the time was Twilight.

Info: **Twi-hard comments **_Book quotes _and my comments.

**Robert Pattinson, can you say HOT? And he's totally sexy when he sparkles!**

No, I can't say 'HOT'. The whole sparkling thing was one of the biggest flops in history (except for maybe that… no excuse me definitely THE biggest flop).

**Taylor Lautner, I mean, have you SEEN those muscles?**

Muscles aren't everything, neither are looks. Take Harry for example:scrawny little eleven year-old who has been neglected and verbally abused still manages to defeat a troll, get past riddles, challenges and tests AND defeat the darkest wizard of all time. Twice!

**Kristen Stewart. An extremely talented and beautiful actress, with loads of potential.**

Not true. Correction: Kirsten Stewart. An actress with one facial expression, an inability to pour ketchup and use toothpaste and no talent whatsoever (unless you count NEVER shutting her mouth).

**The Volturi. REALISTIC villains, instead of insane freaks in cloaks, like Voldemort and the Death Eaters.**

The volturi are insane! They wear cloaks! They are vampires, therefore freaks of nature! Besides, the whole point of Voldemort is that he's an insane evil snake-man.

**Because its just common sence to like twilight! Haha. Romance means everything. Bella and Edward are like, MENT 4 each other, and everything is just...PERFECT! In Harry potter, u would that that harry and harmonie would like...fall in love or something...and then u watch people die in freaky ways, and then there are creepy things...GAHH! but yea. (:**

What?! If someone understood that please put in a review explaining it!

**Because it's one of the greatest love stories ever! Harry Potter is good too, but Twilight has way more romance and more hot guys...EDWARD, JASPER, EMMETT, CARLISLE! Need I say more!**

Yes, you need to say more. If you think everyone is going to love a book/film just because some of the characters are 'hot guys' you need your head checked. I, and all my friends, love the harry potter characters for their personalities! Not their looks! **  
**

**Yes, we all know that Harry Potter and Twilight are both fiction, but Twilight is clearly better. When I read a book, I like to imagine myself in the plot or relate to the story somewhat. Aside from the vampire theme, Twilight actually takes place in a REAL town with up to date things. ex) cars, school, etc. I'm sorry but I just can't picture myself on a flying train, eating chocolate covered frogs, headed to a non existent magical school. In my opinion, Twilight is obviously better.**

Soooo, you can relate to a bitchy, whiny, idiotic, pathetic teenager who is utterly in an abusive relationship with a sexist overprotective git (Twilight minus, buuuuut you can't relate to three teenagers having difficulty with dates, sport and school in general ('cause that's what HP is when you take out the magical aspect).

**OMGGG Harry Potter is messed up. Like seriously, he needs to grow up and stop being so boring cuz Edward is like waaaaaaay more AMAZINNNG. There's no love in harry potter and nobodies hot who wants to read a book without hot peeps?**

What is OMGGG an acronym for? How is HP messed up? How is he boring? How is Edward even slightly cool, let alone amazing?

Harry Potter is an orphaned boy who is forced to live with his neglecting, abusive relatives, that does not mean he is messed up. harry does grow up through the course of the books, instead of just staying the same with NO character development whatsoever, and he is as un-boring as it is possible to be, he defeated the most evil wizard ever at age one for Christ's sake!

**Each book in the twilight series has a different story line. It is mainly about Bella's Love story but in the 1st book it was about how Edward had to save Bella and in each book the story changes. The main reason of the book is for Bella To become A vampire. Then after that it is the story with Renesmee. In Harry Potter it takes 7 or 8 books to get to the point. Killing the one who must not be named. it drags on and on and becomes boring.**

Yeah every Twilight book has a different storyline but they're all crap so what does it matter? But so do the harry potters! Book 1: they have to save the philosopher's stone, book 2: they have to stop all the muggle-borns from being killed by the basilisk, book 3: they have to stop Sirius, but then it turns out they have to stop Worm-tail instead, and then they have to help Sirius escape the MoM, book 4: they have to help Harry through the triwizard tournament, then to stop Voldemort (at which they did fail), book 5: rebel against UmBitch, convince the MoM that Voldie's back AND save Sirius (who doesn't actually need saving) and then defeat Voldie (at which they fail again), book 6: actually a bit confusing since all that actually happens is Dumbledore has a bit more harry bonding sessions before he dies and Book 7: the war commences, they hunt down the horcruxes and finally succeed in killing voldie and his death boys.

**Twilight has a more reasonable plot than Harry Potter. Look at Harry and you'll see he's more angsty than Bella. And all the Harry Potter books are like Harry being "My life sucks" and then Voldemort shows up and he's like "I'm going to kill you" and Harry's all like "No way" and then Harry wins in the end. It's way obvious, especially when the author already tells you how many books there's going to be. I mean, why can't we live in total suspense on what's going to happen next? Twilight gives that suspense that something amazing is going to happen that Harry Potter never gave us. Plus, Harry Potter is a wizard and wizards are demonic creatures. Who would want to root for a demon as the good guys? In twilight, everyone's a vampire, and vampires aren't Satan's spawn.**

*ROTFLOL* Wizards are demonic but vampires aren't? But Harry Potter's plot is waaay better than Twilight, it has a plot (whilst Twilight hasn't) and several subplots. HP did give suspense but not in the same way as Twilight. I got suspense from HP because when I first heard it, my mum read it to me when I was six or seven and I was only allowed a chapter per evening before bed, therefore when I had OotP read to me I was on tenterhooks, and dreaming up what could happen next, at Sirius' kidnap/torture.

**In harry potter all they do is fly around on brooms and kill people with magic sticks (wands) I mean, really?**

In Twilight all they do is think soppy crap and sparkle in the sun. I mean, how pathetic can you get?

**Edward wasn't a dork. Yeah, sometimes, dorks are cute. However, Harry was a bit too dorky and I can't see why girls even liked him. **

Define 'dorky' and I'll get back to you on that one.

**Harry Potter is for virgin nerds. Twilight is for cool and mature people.**

Harry Potter is for dignified sophisticated people. Twilight is for people who can't manage plots that make sense.

**Hermione is a week character. Unline Bella, who struggles every day. Hermione has no problems, the only things she has are self-created. She follows Harry into his troubles. Big whoop. Even if she is teased about being a mud blood or whatever its called, she has a choice. She could quit Hogwarts or something. Bella has no choice, she is in love.**

HERMIONE IS A STRONG CHARACTER! BELLA IS PATHETIC! All bella cares about is her lovelife with her abusive sparkly boyfriend. Hermione cares about her family, her friends and her studying all at the same time. She has spirit and intelligence (which Bella seriously lacks). Hermione defends herself against petty insults like 'mudblood' and holds her head high, proud of being a muggleborn.

**Twilight was a best selling novel, and has a bigger fan base than Harry Potter.**

Check your facts! Harry Potter has been translated into nearly every human language! Twilight has been hated since the day it was published.

**Stephenie Meyer writes that the only thing that can kill a vampire is another vampire or a werewolf. Since Edward is a vampire created by Meyer, we can use her written characteristics and apply them to Harry Potter. Since Harry Potter is neither vampire nor wolf, this means that Harry Potter could not kill Edward and Edward would win.**

* snorts * Harry potterVoldemort and VoldemortCedric Diggory but if Cedric Diggory=Edward Cullen then Harry PotterEdward Cullen. Do the maths.

**Twilight led to many other supernatural romances in books and tv shows.**

Which are all unfortunately as pathetic as the original.

**Unlike Harry, nobody's thoughts are actually that deep or intellectual. I bet if any of us published our thoughts into a book, none would be great English lit; Bella's thoughts are more realistic.**

Harry Potter is written in third person therefore it gives a basic structure of Harry's thoughts and feelings it doesn't tell us every pathetic thought that crosses the mind in question (unlike twilight).

**At least all of them dosent a scar of a lightning bolt.**

What?!

**No witchcraft (practicing witchcraft is bad).**

WTF is that supposed to mean?

**At least they talk about religion even 4 a short while.**

When?

**Twilight goes more in depth with the emotions. You can feel Bella's pain when Edward leaves her. You can feel her confusion between Edward and Jacob. You can feel her love for Renesmee.**

**Twilight is a modern-day Romeo and Juliet in its themes of everlasting but forbidden love; to be compared to such a classic is an honour. **

Unfortunately when Bella attempted suicide she failed. But other than that Romeo and Juliet was love, twilight was lust and hunger.

**We like the time setting of Twilight. It is modern day.**

So's harry potter but wizards haven't figured out electricity yet.

**Vampires stay with their partners will death. If you mess with their partners, you'll get what's coming. Even after their partner is dead, they will remain loyal to them, till their time comes.**

Harry Potter sacrifices himself for just normal friends, god knows what he'd do for Ginny or Cho or whoever.

**We like and appreciate the fact that the vampires and werewolves in Twilight aren't anything like the one's from us before. To us, it's nice to take on the vampire and werewolf concept. **

No, it's really not, it's a stupid take on the vampire concept.

**You can read Twilight over and over again.**

Not if you don't want brain damage or mental problems you can't.

**It is the rare vampire novel that isn't about sex on some level, and the Twilight books are no exception. What makes Meyer's books so distinctive is that they're about the erotics of abstinence. Their tension comes from prolonged, superhuman acts of self-restraint. There's a scene midway through Twilight, in which, for the first time, Edward leans in close and sniffs the aroma of Bella's exposed neck. "Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he says. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender...or freesia." He barely touches her, but there's more sex in that one paragraph than in all the snogging in Harry Potter.**

* stares disgusted at computer screen at a loss as to what to say *

**The characters change throughout the Twilight series as well. they may not be growing up like the Harry Potter Characters did, but they did change. The characters become more brave, stronger, loving, forgiving, etc. Each character changed in the Twilight books. Harry Potter characters changed as well, but they kept some of their bad traits with them.**

This is yet another example of the disgusting Mary-sue/Gary-stu -ness in Twilight. The fact that HP characters have bad traits makes them human.

**It has a graphic novel.**

So does Skulduggery Pleasant Series but that's not better than HP.

**It has more female fans.**

HP has more fans. Period.

**Harry Potter was mainly focused on children. We are into the more mature books. That have mature elements in them.**

HP was NOT mainly focused on kids. I went over to my mate's place for lunch and the whole way through we were either talking about DW or HP (and this from her 4 year old brother to her 90 year old great-gramps).

**Who wouldn't want two guys fighting over you? :D That just makes a good story. Am I right?**

I wouldn't. I tend to keep a good distance away from boys that aren't family. You're wrong it doesn't. which brings me to another thing to rant about: Bella didn't even have a boyfriend in Phoenix but as soon as she gets to Forks, BAM three million guys like her! It makes no sense!

**Bella Swan is a strong character. She is brave, caring, forgiving, accepting, and just plain awesome :) She has risked her life many times to save someone she loves, such as Charlie, Renee, Edward, Jacob, The Cullens, Nessie, etc. She went through weeks of pain to save her daughter. She was willing to die so her baby could live. She has also formed a huge army and was prepared to fight till the death to protect her child and family. So yes, Bella is a role model. And No, she is not dependent on Edward.**

Don't get me started on Bella.

**Twilight totally had a better, richer, more complex plot line than Harry Potter. **

Go and reread both book series and verify that statement, please.

Hand-bot behind me: statement… rejected.

**Alice Cullen. She is just awesome! She would probably be considered as the "Luna" in Twilight. Am I right? Alice would be the perfect sister. She would make anyone smile if they had a bad day.**

Alice is an idiot. She throws away perfectly good clothes after they've been used once! Then she goes and buys a gazillion more! For Billions and Billions of dollars!

**All four Twilight books made us teary eyed. As for Harry Potter, some parts made us sad and a little teary, but Twilight was the one that really made us teary.**

If all the way through Twilight those weren't tears of laughter at the stupidity of EVERYTHING you need your eyes checked 'cause that might be a serious problem.

**The Twilight books were so amazing! We just could not put them down at all! For Harry Potter, some of the books we could not put down, but others made us a bit sleepy.**

I can't put HP down. Twilight books I religiously shred (with a paper shredder) and burn!

**Daniel Radcliffe is doing pornografic musicals on Broadway and Robert Pattinson is singing and acting in other movies...who exactly got the better end of the deal?**

WTF? Okay, that I didn't know BUT RP was in HP! So there!

**Sirius Black can turn into a great, black dog, Peter Pettigrew can turn into a rat, James Potter can turn into a stag, Remus Lupin a werewolf Rita Skeeter can turn into a beetle and Minerva McGonagall can turn into a cat. How scary is that? Not at all. A Twilight shape-shifter would OWN them all :)**

They're Animagi not shape-shifters, and Sirius once scared someone to death (literally) so actually quite scary, Lupin doesn't have a choice.

**The HP books are all depressing. Lots of good characters die, which isn't cool. And they're just full of violence, and ridiculous plans.**

The fact that the characters die is a good thing! It makes you hate JK, sure,but it makesthe books interesting!

**Stephenie Meyer did her research and found a place like Forks so the vampires could be outside. JK just made one up.**

**The sparkles are so unique and creative. They're not stupid.**

Clouds and rain don't block UV rays, looks like SM forgot that during her 'research'.

**harry potter is too hard for a young child to read.**

No it's not! I read the first chapter of tPS when I was six! Besides, it's better than exposing them to a sexist, anti-feminist, racist book containing domestic abuse.

**Twilight is better because the books are written better and the characters bring more to the table for the readers.**

The books have countless grammar mistakes. Look it up.

**It's set in America.**

What does that have to do with anything?

**A/N Phew! All that anger channelled into this piece of writing! I might add more chapters with VS or Twilight vs Percy Jackson or DW or sumfin'. Now for a little thing I wrote myself:**

I could bash 'twilight' with basic maths:

Ex: Harry PotterVoldemort and VoldemortCedric Diggory. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if Cedric Diggory=Edward Cullen then Harry PotterEdward Cullen.

I could bash Twilight with basic grammar:

**_My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favourite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka._**

Once I used 'was' that many times in a book report. The result was a lot of red pen.

I could bash twilight with common knowledge:

Vampires don't sparkle, they kill people.

I could bash twilight with logic:

David Tennant plays both the doctor and Barty Crouch jr. Robert Pattinson plays both Edward Cullen and Cedric Diggory. BC jr. killed CD. So by extension the Doctor killed Edward Cullen. * does a happy jig *

But I won't. I will bash Twilight by just pointing this out. Then, I will demand "what the hell is the meaning of this crap?! * holds up T-shirt bearing the words: 'I (heart) ur sparkle!'

**Also: A ****very**** good reason to listen to Albus Dumbledore:**

1991: "It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry." Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

(god knows when): "the idea for twilight came to me in a dream" Stephenie Meyers.


End file.
